Heartbreak always hurts. When you lose who you thought would be your partner through thick and thin, you don't only lose a past filled with diamonds of memories - you also lose a future that had slowly formed in your mind - those glimpses into a tomorrow where you see that ring on your finger or walk down that aisle - quiet sunday mornings when the kids are still asleep and you stand in the kitchen looking out of the window with the cafe mug your 5 year old made for you for mothers day in hand --- it is the vision of a life you have grown to love as much as the person falling asleep next to you and losing that doesn't just question your past, it also takes away a tomorrow you were relying on.
But sometimes they slip away before those visions were able to turn into diamonds for your treasure chest with their name on it. It is the "almost love" that haunts you the most because a "what if" is the sharpest weapon in the toolbox.
Sometimes we meet someone in the shadows and we just "know". It is that little piece of magic we don't experience very often and when it happens we want to hold on to it with all of our soul. It is the moments we watched all those romantic comedies for and we read about in all those books - who knew it could actually happen in real life? So here we are, lost in this moment and completely at peace with ourselves and our life.
And then, they just leave.
And whether this magic moment lasted a day, 4 weeks or 3 months - when it is taken away from us, it leaves us breathless.
Did we imagine it all? Is it our fault? Did we push them away? Did they ever feel the same for us? Or even worse: did they play us all this time?
Sure, we want it to mean something, we need it to mean something! How can we fall so hard for someone who didn't care for us? And then we start to overthink it, don't we? Maybe he was simply not ready, maybe he was scared of how deep the connection was - and maybe one day he will be ready and we just have to hold on as tightly as we can till that day comes! Because even though he didn't chose us now, maybe one day he will! And what started out as a magic moment, turns into the biggest "what if" of our lives!
And I know that sometimes holding on seems like the only option! And that is ok! Your feelings are valid and if you feel that love burning in your chest, by all means, let it burn! Give those feelings the chance to exist! Loving someone, whether it is retuned or not, is always worth it - and yes, that might be the romantic talking here, but I don't think that any ounce of love is ever wasted!
Just don't forget to love yourself too! You are powerful and strong! You are everything you need to make this life one that is filled with love and magic moments all by yourself. And don't ever let them tell you that you are reacting childishly and immature; that you feel too much and that dating simply doesn't work that way.
Please know: You are not insane! You are not over dramatic! And you are definitely not pathetic!
But there is another truth you need to hear whether you want to or not: Sometimes living in "what if's" and "almost's" is easier than facing real relationships. For there are no limitations on romanticizing what "could have been"! Maybe, he simply didn't care enough! And yes, maybe he was beautifully scared and got scared of the feelings he had for you! Maybe he did love you and couldn't handle it! But even if he was all that - he was still a coward for not letting you know and deciding to just ghost on you!
You are worth more than that! You are worth more than "maybe's"! You are worth more than "almost's"! You are worth being loved without conditions! You are worth being respected! You are worth being picked every day for the rest of your life!
So love him, love him with all your heart, but if you wake up one morning, ready to let him go - by all means; let him go! Let go of the life you thought you'd live and start creating a new one! Form new visions in your head and open your eyes to new possibilities again - it does sound cliche - but maybe there is something better for you out there! And I need you to be open for it when it knocks on your door!
Who am I to say whether he will come back or not! Maybe he will! But if he does, let him come back to the life you build for yourself, a life that you are happy with all by yourself - travel far away, make new friends, laugh, go skydiving, feel it all! Don't wait! As bitter as it is you can't love someone into coming back and you can't hold on to them tightly enough to make them float your way again! Don't chase them! They decided to leave, so you have every right to leave too!
I don't know whether he comes back or not - but for now; live as if he won't.
You owe it to yourself to let go of those vows you made for both of you because he wasn't able to make a commitment!
...yes, if he comes back one day, that's ok - but if he doesn't; know that this was not your last chance to love and be loved! And if you open your heart today, who knows, you might just meet someone tomorrow who will teach you what it feels like when you meet a man who knows what he wants and you will forget about the boy who couldn't make you his choice!
Love,
Marfa
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