There are times in life when control is taken out of our hands and things change in a way we never expected them to. I started this year in Chicago, certain I would spend at least another half a year there, happy where I was and pretty satisfied with how things were. Sure, I really missed performing which I hadn't done since I had left NYC last summer, but I continued working on my voice from home and I had my philosophy and literature studies that asked quite a lot of me - plus, I got to spend some more time in this country I had pretty much adopted as my own at this point, travel (what I couldn't do as long as I was still a musical theatre student in the big apple) - and simply live the "American life".
So yes, when I left America for a short visit to Canada in early January, only to find out on the way back in that my visa wasn't going to get renewed and that I had 2 days to pack up my life and leave, that came as quite a shock to me! And sometimes I think that even now, 2 1/2 months later, I still feel like my body and my soul haven't grasped it yet.
I packed my bags and left one home, only to return to another one. But where to now? My parents had moved back to Switzerland, so there wasn't a lot waiting for me back in Germany, so I showed up at their doorstep - a miniature version of an apartment that I had never seen before; the smell of the furniture, my Mom and my Dad and the presence of my cat being the only things assuring me, that this was, indeed, home.
Since I am a German citizen, I had to apply for residency in Switzerland if I wanted to stay here - a fact that felt quite odd after I had spend 14 years in this country already, before we had moved back to Germany in 2010! Like every process like this, it's quite a bumpy road and without the help of my Dad who has fought for me for the last two months to get me that residency, I probably would've given up - not so much because of feeling it was a hopeless case but because I just couldn't handle another country rejecting me in that moment.
I can now proudly say that as of yesterday (where I got the papers in the mail) the fight is won and I am now legally a resident in Switzerland again! Thank you, Dad, for all the help and support! You are simply the best!
We have all had people tell us that "everything happens for a reason" to explain painful transitions in life or, in my case, forced new starts - usually followed by something like "I am sure at the end of the day you will understand why it had to happen like this!". Well - I don't! At least not yet! I don't think that ever, in my adult life, I have felt so lost, without direction and powerless! I had to leave it all behind and reinvent a life I was finally starting to figure out!
And it sucked!
How many mornings have I woken up, depression growling in my stomach, whispering into my ears that there was absolutely no use in even getting up - that it was useless to even try! How many nights did I lay there - sleepless, staring at the ceiling through my tear filled eyes, not knowing at all where to go next, only to sleep through the days then because I couldn't stand the sun shining in front of my window because it sure wasn't shining for me!
But I wasn't alone! I had a Dad putting together papers in the next room, fighting for his daughter to be able to come home! I had a Mom, taking me for walks so I could feel that this world, this reality outside my window, was still my reality too! I had a best friend who gave me a place to sleep in the town I grew up here in Switzerland (my beautiful Basel) - about 4 hours away from where my parents live now - and was by my side through breakdowns, tears and the process of finding my way back to myself! And of course all the other amazing friends who have talked to me, texted me - reached out to me in any way shape or form! And I had my cat, laying on my tummy in all those nights, purring gently every time I buried my hands in her soft fur.
No, I wasn't alone!
So maybe this is, after all, a new start! One I didn't ask for - but maybe one I needed. I have had some storms in my life; my struggles with mental illness, the feeling that I never belonged anywhere, moving around a lot, loosing my twin brother - but through it all I can say that I never gave up! So why start now?
This is my new start and I want to use it to tell my story! Life writes the best stories and I was lucky enough that it wrote quite some amazing stuff for my book! So if you want to I would love to take you on this journey with me - let's look at the past and learn from it and create a future worth living for ourselves!
If someone had told me on New Years that I would be back in Europe by the end of January I would've called them crazy. But now I am sitting here, in the place where I grew up - and even though I don't understand all of this yet, and even though I miss my life and my "family" in Chicago with all my heart every single day (yes, I do still tear up when I talk to them) and even though some days I still don't think this is fair and life is mean - for the first time since I got back I can honestly say: I think it is ok!
Love,
Marfa
So yes, when I left America for a short visit to Canada in early January, only to find out on the way back in that my visa wasn't going to get renewed and that I had 2 days to pack up my life and leave, that came as quite a shock to me! And sometimes I think that even now, 2 1/2 months later, I still feel like my body and my soul haven't grasped it yet.
I packed my bags and left one home, only to return to another one. But where to now? My parents had moved back to Switzerland, so there wasn't a lot waiting for me back in Germany, so I showed up at their doorstep - a miniature version of an apartment that I had never seen before; the smell of the furniture, my Mom and my Dad and the presence of my cat being the only things assuring me, that this was, indeed, home.
Since I am a German citizen, I had to apply for residency in Switzerland if I wanted to stay here - a fact that felt quite odd after I had spend 14 years in this country already, before we had moved back to Germany in 2010! Like every process like this, it's quite a bumpy road and without the help of my Dad who has fought for me for the last two months to get me that residency, I probably would've given up - not so much because of feeling it was a hopeless case but because I just couldn't handle another country rejecting me in that moment.
I can now proudly say that as of yesterday (where I got the papers in the mail) the fight is won and I am now legally a resident in Switzerland again! Thank you, Dad, for all the help and support! You are simply the best!
We have all had people tell us that "everything happens for a reason" to explain painful transitions in life or, in my case, forced new starts - usually followed by something like "I am sure at the end of the day you will understand why it had to happen like this!". Well - I don't! At least not yet! I don't think that ever, in my adult life, I have felt so lost, without direction and powerless! I had to leave it all behind and reinvent a life I was finally starting to figure out!
And it sucked!
How many mornings have I woken up, depression growling in my stomach, whispering into my ears that there was absolutely no use in even getting up - that it was useless to even try! How many nights did I lay there - sleepless, staring at the ceiling through my tear filled eyes, not knowing at all where to go next, only to sleep through the days then because I couldn't stand the sun shining in front of my window because it sure wasn't shining for me!
But I wasn't alone! I had a Dad putting together papers in the next room, fighting for his daughter to be able to come home! I had a Mom, taking me for walks so I could feel that this world, this reality outside my window, was still my reality too! I had a best friend who gave me a place to sleep in the town I grew up here in Switzerland (my beautiful Basel) - about 4 hours away from where my parents live now - and was by my side through breakdowns, tears and the process of finding my way back to myself! And of course all the other amazing friends who have talked to me, texted me - reached out to me in any way shape or form! And I had my cat, laying on my tummy in all those nights, purring gently every time I buried my hands in her soft fur.
No, I wasn't alone!
So maybe this is, after all, a new start! One I didn't ask for - but maybe one I needed. I have had some storms in my life; my struggles with mental illness, the feeling that I never belonged anywhere, moving around a lot, loosing my twin brother - but through it all I can say that I never gave up! So why start now?
This is my new start and I want to use it to tell my story! Life writes the best stories and I was lucky enough that it wrote quite some amazing stuff for my book! So if you want to I would love to take you on this journey with me - let's look at the past and learn from it and create a future worth living for ourselves!
If someone had told me on New Years that I would be back in Europe by the end of January I would've called them crazy. But now I am sitting here, in the place where I grew up - and even though I don't understand all of this yet, and even though I miss my life and my "family" in Chicago with all my heart every single day (yes, I do still tear up when I talk to them) and even though some days I still don't think this is fair and life is mean - for the first time since I got back I can honestly say: I think it is ok!
Love,
Marfa
Thank you for sharing! ��
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you Marfa & happy for you! <3
ReplyDelete