And then Tokio Hotel happened, and everything changed...
It's true, there is magic in beginnings and the beginning of my time with Tokio Hotel is still one of my favorite beginnings of my life. Hearing Durch den Monsun for the first time, buying their CD, getting butterflies in the tummy when I first saw them - I had a feeling this would be special.
Soon, singing my heart out alone in my room and sleeping with the CD under my pillow wasn't enough anymore. We didn't own a computer back then and I was totally oblivious to that crazy little thing called "internet" - so I wasn't really aware of the fan hype outside my little universe in which Bill only sang for me and my heart was tumbling down into a spiral that would take me on the wildest ride of my youth.
The only thing missing was an ally for this adventure and after dragging my best friend to my first concert (an open air in 2006), I had found one.
And Tokio Hotel became our life. Between running to the kiosk every Thursday to buy every last magazine that included even just one little picture of the band and hanging hundreds of posters on my wall (my friend and I developed a method where we would overlap the posters to be able to hang up more - my proud record where 182 posters up at once), they became everything I thought about. I was breathing their music, living their lyrics and inhaling their existence as if they were oxygen.
And then there were the concerts. Obviously we had to sleep in front of the concert halls to not end up all the way in the 5th row - everything after that was completely out of the question. My Dad turned out to be a hero once again and traveled everywhere with us, to make sure we were safe. His deal: He went with us so we were allowed to even go and in return we bought a ticket for the show for him - no worries; he had a seat in the back! We went to Geneva, Zurich, Essen and even Vienna - because one concert per tour was usually not enough to satisfy our thirsty hearts.
My heart was opening up again after being shut down from all the bullying, and slowly, very slowly, things changed in my life.
To say I had a difficult relationship with my Dad back then is unfortunately an understatement. Things were rough (I am sure I will address this in later blogs) - but those trips brought us closer together. Not just that I felt supported and taken seriously by my Dad who saw how important this was to me and made sure I could experience it the way I needed it; it was also those little whispered conversations in the middle of the night in overnight trains or in cars on the way back home after a concert when my bestie was already asleep - for the first time I felt like I could talk to my Dad.
Tokio Hotel was my escape. It was through them that I became a writer first. It started out as just "short stories" but soon turned into more and in the course of three years it turned into my first novel of 850 pages about love and the importance of not losing yourself in the love for someone else. This project gave me the chance to live a second life: during the day I was this grey mouse but at night I transformed into this beautiful strong girl who lived the life I always dreamed of having the courage to live. I even wrote songs to accompany "the book" - and just like that Tokio Hotel helped shaping me into the woman I would turn out to be later in life; for example when I moved to NYC to study musical theatre and also took composition there or finished my second and third novel.
But "the book" wasn't my only escape.
When I left home and went on one of those "trips" to a Tokio Hotel concert, I left that shy little girl at home. I put on my Tokio Hotel shirt, my self made Tokio Hotel pants, I put a smile on and I lived. It might sound silly, but those girls became my family - we were all there for the same reason and we were all supportive of each other - there was no bullying there. During all those long walks around the concert halls at night before the concert with my bestie, waiting in line, talking to strangers, being called "pretty" by others for the first time ever and in sticky concert halls, only meters away from our idols, I changed.
And then I brought these changes home - and it changed everything.
Tokio Hotel shut up the bullies. And this is how:
As many of you know, as fiercely as Tokio Hotel was loved by us - it was hated by the other half; 'the others". So being a Tokio Hotel fan was in and of itself a good reason to be bullied. But since I was bullied already, I decided that I might as well give them a reason. So I took that Tokio Hotel shirt I had been wearing at the concert and I wore it to school - kind of like iron man is wearing his suit; feeling like it would protect me. And it did. Maybe it was because I held my head a little higher, or walked a little taller; maybe it was that confidence glooming in my eyes, because for the first time I had a reason do defend myself - but except the couple of stupid remarks I obviously got for being foolish enough to out myself as an fan, I got something I never expected:
Respect! The respect that I stood up for something I believed in and it made me strong and all of a sudden I wasn't a weak target anymore: I was a mother lion, ready to defend myself. And so, the only time they had an actual reason to hate on me; they didn't.
I was trapped in a vicious circle - and thanks to Tokio Hotel I was able to break it and finally end the bullying that had torn my soul apart for 10 years. And slowly I began to see that girl I had created in "the book" when I looked in the mirror. I started to have the courage to finally live that life.
Tomorrow, I am going on another trip dedicated to this band. My bestie and I are traveling by Bus to Vienna, Prague and Warsaw - where we will not only see them in concert but will meet them and take a picture I have been waiting to take with them for 12 years. So this feels like the right moment to look back at my journey with them and feel grateful.
Thank you with all my heart Bill, Tom, Georg and Gustav! You will never know just how grateful I am for everything you guys have given me.
Can I imagine a life without Tokio Hotel in it? Maybe! But I would never choose one - because from all the adventures I experienced - they are still my favorite one.
Love,
Marfa
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